The Old Me is Still Me
About six months ago, on a bright spring afternoon, my otherwise predictable routine was shaken by a flood of texts from my oldest daughter, Josie. The moment she’d been waiting for had finally arrived: tickets for Billie Eilish’s concert had gone on sale.
At 16, Josie is a delightful force of nature with her bold purple hair, glinting nose ring, and a personality that refuses to be ignored. Josie’s passion is magnetic, though her relentless energy can test my patience—perhaps because, truth be told, she’s so much like me.
Ever the vigilant superfan, Josie had been obsessively refreshing Ticketmaster, counting down the seconds. The instant tickets were available, my phone buzzed nonstop—
Mom!
Mom!
Mom!
Mom!—her urgency practically leaping off the screen, accompanied by step-by-step instructions on how to secure those precious seats.
Josie is drawn to Billie’s unapologetically raw and fearless energy—a fusion of fierce individuality and haunting vulnerability that feels almost tailor-made for her. But as I write this, I pause. Am I really describing Josie, or am I describing myself? It’s a curious thing how our adolescent selves remain tucked within us, quietly resonating with the things we once (and still) loved, long after those formative years have passed.
Josie often tells me, “Mom, you don’t get it,” to which I reply with a knowing smirk, “Actually, I’ve been a Billie Eilish fan since her debut album dropped in the spring of 2019.” Billie’s music has a way of reaching into parts of me I didn’t even realize needed soothing, her lyrics and melodies touching emotions I once thought were my own private soundtrack.
But let’s be real—Josie’s not entirely wrong.
If the decision had been solely mine, as much as I adore Billie, I probably would’ve opted to save my money and skip the concert. Over the years, I’ve gradually lost touch with the very essence of my adolescence—the unguarded passion, the overwhelming sense of possibility that once seemed so close at hand. Adulthood has a funny way of swapping out wonder for practicality. Josie, on the other hand, still burns with that beautiful, untamed fire, and I can’t help but admire her for it.
At Billie’s concert in the sold-out Target Center, Josie and I were surrounded primarily by other mother-teen daughter duos who sang along with Billie loudly and passionately, sometimes with tears running down their faces. The music wasn’t just something to hear—it created an energy that was palpable, transforming the space and enveloping us all. It was a force that seemed to reach inside and draw out raw emotion.
Throughout the concert, I found myself in awe, struck by how much I had missed my adolescent self—and savoring my reconnection with her. And in that reconnection, something beautiful happened: I felt closer to Josie, who, in these teenage years, sometimes feels like she’s a world away.
After the concert, I found myself not just personally moved but professionally intrigued—what is it about Billie’s vibe that draws adolescents (and the adolescent parts of us adults) in? Her music and energy seem to hold a universal magnetism, and I needed answers.
Naturally, I turned to Brainstorm by Dr. Daniel Siegel, my go-to manual for decoding the adolescent brain (and surviving the teenage years with grace). It’s a book I recommend to every adult with a teenager in their orbit.
According to Siegel, adolescence spans the ages of 12–24—a time when the prefrontal cortex is rapidly developing. This region of the brain is responsible for functions such as decision-making, impulse control, planning, emotional regulation, and self-awareness. This developmental phase is critical for shaping the ability to think critically, empathize with others, and establish a sense of identity and purpose.
What’s more, Siegel reminds us of the hallmark characteristics of adolescent energy:
Unrelenting hunger for novelty
Emotional highs that amplify the mundane into the extraordinary
Desperate craving for connection
Audacious creativity that refuses to color inside the lines
These traits, while exhilarating, come with a double edge.
The same thirst for novelty that sparks a passion for discovery can also tempt teens into taking dangerous risks.
The emotional intensity that makes them feel alive can leave them vulnerable to overwhelming lows.
Their craving for connection, which fosters deep relationships, can sometimes lead to unhealthy attachments or peer pressure.
Their boundless creativity, while revolutionary, can clash with authority or lead to impulsive decisions.
Billie Eilish, at age 22, embodies the quintessential adolescent spirit. Her music and persona exude the intensity, vulnerability, and fearlessness often associated with this life stage. Adolescents are known for their deep emotional dives and unfiltered expression—qualities Billie channels into her work with unmatched authenticity. The same fiery energy that propels her music mirrors the duality of adolescent traits. It’s the fire that fuels passion, creativity, and connection but can also lead to risks, mistakes, and growing pains. For Billie, that raw energy translates into a voice for her generation.
Billie connects with my adolescent daughter far better than I can on most days. Which begs the question: how can we, as adults, bridge that gap and truly connect with the teens in our lives? As a mother and therapist, this question nags me daily and sparked the creation of this blog. Here’s what I’ve figured out so far:
• Be Curious: Be open to taking a deep dive into what makes them tick. Whether it's the lyrics of their favorite Billie Eilish track, the themes of their go-to Netflix series, or the latest TikTok influencer they can't stop watching, take the time to explore what’s driving their world. Don’t just skim the surface—ask questions and get curious about the messages that resonate with them. What’s behind those lyrics? What do they see in that movie? When you engage with their passions, you’re not only showing interest—you’re opening the door to deeper conversations and better understanding.
• Invite Reflection: Give them the space to pause and think. Siegel emphasizes that reflection is one of the most powerful tools teens have for strengthening their prefrontal cortex. By inviting teens to reflect on their experiences, you’re not only helping them build a solid foundation for self-awareness, but you’re also creating a space where they feel heard and understood. It’s about giving them the opportunity to connect with themselves—and with you—on a deeper level. It’s in these moments of quiet reflection that they can truly make sense of their thoughts, their relationships, and their place in the world.
And most importantly…
• Work on Yourself: Connect to your adolescent self. There’s real power in revisiting the adolescent parts of our personality. By remembering what it felt like to be an adolescent, we open the door to deeper understanding and empathy for the adolescents in our lives. It’s not just about relating better—it’s about seeing them, truly seeing them, in all their messy, magnificent glory.