This Burden is a Gift
Yesterday, as I was typing on my computer, the familiar email alert tone chimed. Instinctively, my eyes darted to the upper right corner of my screen, where a notification box flashed, revealing the sender—my child’s special education teacher. Instantly, my heart dropped into my stomach, and my breathing grew shallow. Full disclosure: my visceral response has nothing to do with my child’s current IEP teacher. He is kind, caring, responsive, and respectful in every interaction with me. It’s also worth noting that my fight-flight-freeze reaction to the email notification has nothing to do with my child’s current progress, because right now, he’s thriving. In fact, my body’s response has nothing to do with anything happening in the present day. Instead, this intense reaction is a lingering echo from past school and IEP meetings—moments when I felt overwhelmed, unheard, and powerless to advocate effectively for my child. Tracing it back even further, my visceral response is tied to deep-seated beliefs about safety and trust that were formed in my earliest years of life.
This pattern of response, rooted in my childhood and reinforced over the years by my children’s challenging school experiences, highlights how profoundly our past can shape our present. Painful experiences can embed themselves deeply in our psyche and resurface in unexpected ways. On some days more than others, I find myself struggling with the internal conflict of wanting to advocate effectively for my child while wrestling with the fear and insecurity stemming from my past educational and relational experiences. For parents of children who struggle in school, these unresolved traumas can turn something as simple as an email notification into a reminder of feeling sidelined and silenced. This instinct to brace for conflict can overshadow the opportunity for connection. It’s essential for us as parents to acknowledge these emotions and heal the wounded parts of ourselves. Doing so is crucial not just for our own well-being, but also to ensure we approach interactions with our children’s school from a place of empowerment instead of fear. When we engage with calmness, curiosity, and compassion, we become more able to foster trusting and collaborative partnerships. This approach ultimately benefits our child, along with everyone involved in their educational experience.
By cultivating self-awareness and emotional resilience, we can break the cycle of past pain and transform it into a source of strength, empowering us to advocate for our children with confidence and clarity. As a parent of two children in special education and a school-based therapist, I have participated in at least sixty IEP meetings. Comparing my presence in last month’s IEP meeting to my very first one in 2006 reveals a dramatic change. With the support of family, friends, and community resources like PACER, I have made significant strides in navigating the IEP process with calmness and grace. But it is my child who has transformed me the most. This realization became clear during a phone conversation with now-retired PACER advocate, Mike Carr, when my oldest child, then in first grade, was struggling at school. I remember sitting in my car after morning drop-off, feeling sad and unsure about how to support my little girl. In that moment, I reached out to Mike, who shared a profound insight that still guides me today: “If you really stop and think about it, the burden of caring for a child who struggles is actually one of the greatest gifts we can be given.” When our children face challenges, we are called to shift from a self-centered to an other-centered mindset. This transition requires us to heal and grow in ways we may not have chosen otherwise, revealing strengths we didn’t know we possessed.
If you find yourself struggling with similar challenges—feeling overwhelmed by the educational system, grappling with past traumas, or seeking support to advocate for your child—know that you are not alone. I invite you to join me in this important work. Together, we can explore the emotions and beliefs that shape responses, develop strategies to navigate the complexities of the IEP process, and empower you to advocate from a place of strength. As a therapist with extensive experience in supporting parents of children in special education, I am committed to providing a safe, compassionate space where you can heal and grow. Let’s embark on this journey together, so you can emerge as the confident advocate your child needs and deserves.
